Am I cheating people on the bus tours by sprinkling Krishna consciousness with enough salt of material sense gratification to attract people to come on the bus tours in the first place?
I may have answered my question in asking the above. At least the seed to the answer seems to be there.
But seriously... I am trying to figure this out. If what we do at every moment of our day influences how we think, feel, operate... how we treat our relationship with Sri Sri Radha-Krishna, with Their Holy Names, then surely how we spend the majority of our time, moment to moment, on the bus tours affects our consciousness, our attitude towards the times when we do try to engage more directly in conscious, mindful service to the Divine Couple.
Are the bus tours the way they are structured now really conducive to someone who is serious about developing their Krishna consciousness? Or am I cheating people out of that experience by giving them "mishra bhakti," mixed devotional service, sprinkled with a lot of blunt and obvious time for sense gratification.
For some time now I have been feeling disappointed in myself with the results of the bus tours. With the way I and others spend most of our "leisure" time on the tours. I know this may sound shocking to some who tell me what a great thing it is, how it has changed their lives in some ways.
Our stated mission for the tour is to "inspire, train, engage and empower youth in Krishna consciousness to their fullest potential." Am I doing enough to give people a fair chance at becoming inspired, trained, engaged and empowered in their loving relationship with Krishna through serving Him and His devotees? Am I, and are we collectively becoming more Krishna conscious? (Or are we watering the weeds of mishra bhakti, mixed devotional service infused with the goal of our own sense gratification, as opposed to for the pleasure of Krishna.)
Earlier today Jaya Radhe and I were trying to figure out why we ourselves sometimes do not feel so attracted to Krishna and the process of becoming more Krishna conscious. We came to this conclusion that what we do during the rest of our day affects what little time we set aside for our "Krishna conscious" compartmentalized aspect of our lives... What priority does Krishna have in our lives? We spoke about the powerful effect of association. That if we associate with non-devotees for most of our day, hearing and participating in their conversations, soaking up material music and sound vibration infused with an intent to satisfy our own senses, eating food cooked by non-devotees infused with their consciousness, just because our taste buds demand it... that these things rub off on our consciousness, on our mind, and they do affect our "taste" for engaging in activities centered solely on pleasing Krishna.
Back to how we spend time together on the bus tours. How much time do I spend consciously, mindfully engaged in trying to please Krishna? Versus how much time do I spend doing other things to try to please my own senses?
Ultimately it comes down to my own impurities. I lack taste and so I can't convince others of the priceless jewel of the sweet nectar of the Holy Names.
Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu instructed Haridasa Thakura and Lord Nityananda to go out and spread the chanting of the Holy Names door to door. He said that when the proud owners of the house open their doors, you should fall on your knees with tears in your eyes, grab hold of their feet and beg them to please discard everything they have learnt and to simply take up the most precious treasure of constantly chanting Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare.
I lament because I don't have this strong conviction. I don't have a deep taste for chanting the Holy Names with tears in my eyes... begging you to take this up as your only means of happiness... and so it rubs off on each of you on the bus tour. I am not able to give this gift to you and I continue to be disappointed in myself. I find myself all too often looking for happiness in all the wrong places, anywhere and anything but Krishna (as the wonderful Mother Yamuna likes to say.)
There's hope. I'm getting tired of cheating myself, and thereby others. Slowly but surely. I'm attending japa retreat after japa retreat in the hope of focusing my own desires and consciousness more and more on sweet Radha-Krishna, Hare Krishna.
Please pray for me. If you have some faith, some taste for chanting Hare Krishna, please allow me to serve you in some way so that some of your taste may rub off on me. Share your realizations with me.
