Realization: Chanting nice japa is very pleasing to my spiritual master.

I often wish that there was some special service I could do for my spiritual master. Something that would get his attention and put a smile on his face. :-)

Today I was chanting my japa in front of our bus tour Gaura Nitai deities and my eyes fell upon a greeting card with a photo of Srila Prabhupada on the front, my spiritual master's spiritual master. It was propped up next to the altar, and I could barely make out the text on the inside of the card -- I leaned forward and tried to make it out... it was a quote from a lecture:

"You are chanting. I am very much pleased. That's all. I came to your country to chant, that "You chant also along with me." So you are helping me by chanting. So I am pleased."
(Srila Prabhupada Lecture, 71-16-07)

Am I cheating people?

Am I cheating people on the bus tours by sprinkling Krishna consciousness with enough salt of material sense gratification to attract people to come on the bus tours in the first place?

I may have answered my question in asking the above. At least the seed to the answer seems to be there.

But seriously... I am trying to figure this out. If what we do at every moment of our day influences how we think, feel, operate... how we treat our relationship with Sri Sri Radha-Krishna, with Their Holy Names, then surely how we spend the majority of our time, moment to moment, on the bus tours affects our consciousness, our attitude towards the times when we do try to engage more directly in conscious, mindful service to the Divine Couple.

Are the bus tours the way they are structured now really conducive to someone who is serious about developing their Krishna consciousness? Or am I cheating people out of that experience by giving them "mishra bhakti," mixed devotional service, sprinkled with a lot of blunt and obvious time for sense gratification.

For some time now I have been feeling disappointed in myself with the results of the bus tours. With the way I and others spend most of our "leisure" time on the tours. I know this may sound shocking to some who tell me what a great thing it is, how it has changed their lives in some ways.

Our stated mission for the tour is to "inspire, train, engage and empower youth in Krishna consciousness to their fullest potential." Am I doing enough to give people a fair chance at becoming inspired, trained, engaged and empowered in their loving relationship with Krishna through serving Him and His devotees? Am I, and are we collectively becoming more Krishna conscious? (Or are we watering the weeds of mishra bhakti, mixed devotional service infused with the goal of our own sense gratification, as opposed to for the pleasure of Krishna.)

Earlier today Jaya Radhe and I were trying to figure out why we ourselves sometimes do not feel so attracted to Krishna and the process of becoming more Krishna conscious. We came to this conclusion that what we do during the rest of our day affects what little time we set aside for our "Krishna conscious" compartmentalized aspect of our lives... What priority does Krishna have in our lives? We spoke about the powerful effect of association. That if we associate with non-devotees for most of our day, hearing and participating in their conversations, soaking up material music and sound vibration infused with an intent to satisfy our own senses, eating food cooked by non-devotees infused with their consciousness, just because our taste buds demand it... that these things rub off on our consciousness, on our mind, and they do affect our "taste" for engaging in activities centered solely on pleasing Krishna.

Back to how we spend time together on the bus tours. How much time do I spend consciously, mindfully engaged in trying to please Krishna? Versus how much time do I spend doing other things to try to please my own senses?

Ultimately it comes down to my own impurities. I lack taste and so I can't convince others of the priceless jewel of the sweet nectar of the Holy Names.

Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu instructed Haridasa Thakura and Lord Nityananda to go out and spread the chanting of the Holy Names door to door. He said that when the proud owners of the house open their doors, you should fall on your knees with tears in your eyes, grab hold of their feet and beg them to please discard everything they have learnt and to simply take up the most precious treasure of constantly chanting Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare.

I lament because I don't have this strong conviction. I don't have a deep taste for chanting the Holy Names with tears in my eyes... begging you to take this up as your only means of happiness... and so it rubs off on each of you on the bus tour. I am not able to give this gift to you and I continue to be disappointed in myself. I find myself all too often looking for happiness in all the wrong places, anywhere and anything but Krishna (as the wonderful Mother Yamuna likes to say.)

There's hope. I'm getting tired of cheating myself, and thereby others. Slowly but surely. I'm attending japa retreat after japa retreat in the hope of focusing my own desires and consciousness more and more on sweet Radha-Krishna, Hare Krishna.

Please pray for me. If you have some faith, some taste for chanting Hare Krishna, please allow me to serve you in some way so that some of your taste may rub off on me. Share your realizations with me.

Do I want to be a devotee of Krishna?

Today I had the good fortune of trying to help someone on Live Help at Krishna.com. I had a few minutes to spare, took a chance, loaded up live help, and waited. The "door bell" rang. A live help question came onto my browser screen. David from Hartford, CT. David was interested in doing some more service for Krishna. He'd been reading and chanting, but wondered what the next step woud be.

While trying to encourage David, I googled a familiar verse and, as I read over it, paused and meditated on its intensity... trying to see how to apply it in my life, and in David's life.

The immediate questions that arose in my mind were, "do I really want to do this? Is this practical? Is this what I want my life to be like? Do I want to be a devotee of Krishna?"

What verse? Oh, right... here it is.

Sri Krishna Chaitanya Mahaprabhu spoke to Sanatana Goswami as follows:

adau sraddha tatah sadhu-sango 'tha bhajana-kriya
tato 'nartha-nivrttih syat tato nistha rucis tatah
athasaktis tato bhavas tatah premabhyudancati
sadhakanam ayam premnah pradurbhave bhavet kramah

"In the beginning there must be faith. Then one becomes interested in associating with pure devotees. Thereafter, one is initiated by the spiritual master and executes the regulative principles under his orders. Thus one is freed from all unwanted habits and becomes firmly fixed in devotional service. Thereafter, one develops taste and attachment. This is the way of sadhana-bhakti, the execution of devotional service according to the regulative principles. Gradually emotions intensify, and finally there is an awakening of love. This is the gradual development of love of Godhead for the devotee interested in Krishna consciousness." –Sri Caitanya-Caritamrta, Madhya 23, 14-15

That chapter in Sri Caitanya-Caritamrta is called "Life's Ultimate Goal." Lord Chaitanya goes on to describe the symptoms of one who has the seed of transcendental emotion for Krishna in his heart. What are the symptoms of a devotee?

He manifests forgiveness. (I see...)

He is concerned that not a moment of time should be wasted. Every moment should be utilized for Krishna. (Yikes!)

He develops detachment. .. Material enjoyment, mystic power and sense gratification do not appeal to the devotee at all. (Hmmmm.) .. He is not agitated by material things. (Hmmmm.)

There is an abscence of false prestige [reputation, distinction... ]

(1. reputation or influence arising from success, achievement, rank, or other favorable
attributes. 2. distinction.)

(I am not the doer. I am not the doer. I am not the doer. Krishna is da Bomb :-)

The devotee manifests hope and eagerness, a taste for chanting the holy name of the Lord, attachment to the descriptions of the transcendental qualities of the Lord, and affection for those places where the Lord resides...

(Hmmmm... I can see how this could potentially fill my whole day, every day. Is this what I really want?)

As I researched further I came across Srila Prabhupada's conversation with a guest about the "adau sraddha" verse, January 9, 1977:

Guest: Can you explain surrender?

Prabhupada: "Surrender, this is surrender, that... First of all, why you surrender? You must know it perfectly well that "Krsna is master; I am servant." Otherwise there is no question of surrender. Then you have to believe that "Krsna says, aham tvam sarva papebhyo moksayisyami. So now I have surrendered. I have no more fear. Krsna will give me protection." To believe firmly... "Krsna is all powerful. Krsna is my master." .. First of all, you have to check yourself whether you firmly believe in the words of God. If you don't believe, there is no question of surrender. Then you remain where you are.

This is firm belief: "Krsna says that He will give me protection. So let me surrender. I have surrendered to maya. I have not become happy. So why not surrender to Krsna?" This is intelligence."

You are not free. Then why you are declaring yourself as free? This is your disease. So intelligent means that I have no freedom actually. I am acting under the dictation of my senses. I am servant of my senses. So why not become servant of Krsna? This is intelligent. Everyone is acting under senses, order of the senses. Kamadinam kathidha na kathida palita durni-desah. Even I don't want to do it, something wrong, but my senses are dictating, so "All right, let me do it." So we are... I am servant of the senses. My position is twofold. Either I become the servant of the senses or I become servant of Krsna. My position is the same. Simply I have to change it."

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My conclusion for today: Who was helping whom? Here I was trying to help David clarify his decision on his next course of action in his grand adventure into Krishna consciousness, and meanwhile David–and of course Krishna who is da Bomb diggity–was helping this lost soul clarify his own goals.