I am not a devotee

I am not a devotee.

This is quite possibly the most difficult thing I have ever written. In an effort to become humble, clear my heart of envy, and fall at the feet of every person in this world and beg selflessly for your mercy, I am begging for your mercy. I need your mercy.

There once was a time in Krishna consciousness when we loved selflessly, we gave our time and money freely in His service, we cared not about the past, about the future, but only about the present, making everyone happy, fulfilled, and satiated with the Holy Name, prasadam, festival after festival, gulabjamuns coming out of our ears! J

There was once a time, back in the spiritual world, when we did the same.

Today, I find myself in a world where I say I’m a “devotee” but really I am looking out for my own interest, I don’t trust anyone else, I fight about the past, I worry about the future, and I rarely stop to think about how I spend the present, day after day, moment after moment, struggling against all odds to take care of myself and build that nest egg because “gosh darn it if I don’t nobody else will.”

Stop! (I hear a voice inside me.)

I beg of you stop! (The voice grows louder.)

Turn back the clock. (The voice grows ever louder.)

Wake up! (He’s screaming now.)

It’s 1972 all over again. (The year I was born.) Krishna is my mother, Krishna is my father, Krishna is my best friend. Krishna is my protector. To the degree that I surrender unto Him, He rewards me accordingly. So He says. So He does. There is no religion in this world that I care for but Krishna. There is no rich man or retirement scheme richer than Krishna. The only thing worth talking about is Krishna. The only music worth listening to is Krishna Kirtana. The only food worth eating is what a devotee has cooked with love and devotion and Srila Prabhupada has accepted and offered to Krishna. The only entertainment worth seeing is that which reminds me of Krishna.

Balance. (Another voice inside of me mumbles.)

What happened to balance, prabhu? (The voice gets louder.)

We need to balance our material and spiritual lives. (The voice intensifies.)

Sense gratification in moderation has never hurt anyone. (It’s getting every louder in my head.)

If we try to renounce artificially, you know, you’ve seen what happens… (You’re screaming at me now, bro!)

Shut up! Oh wretched, foolish mind, shut up! I’m tired of you! Enough!

Balance.

A small word. A big trick of that lady who always wants to test my faith in You.

Balance is Lord Balarama, balancing the cosmos on His Ananta Shesha hoods. Balance is to live in this world but NOT be of this world. The lotus growing from the mud. Not a muddy lotus.

Balance is to live a regulated lifestyle (look at me, Krishna, I’m your living proof of imbalance.) To eat in moderation, only as much as required, only Your Krishna prasadam. Balance is to use at least 50% of my time and wealth and income and resources in Your pure devotional service. 51% would make me a devotee, at least aspiring. (I would like that.) Balance is to not let my demonic qualities get the upper hand.

How much wealth do I have today? How much more will I have tomorrow?

Such should not be the trick of the lady who likes to test my faith in You, that I succumb to those thoughts in the name of balance. Balancing my pleasure with Yours, Krishna, in equal proportions was never your devotee Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura’s idea of making progress on both the material and spiritual tracks of my life. Rather, not to lose touch with the world and still interact in the world yet always, always, always wear Your Lotus Feet on my forehead, and keep Your Holy Names at the forefront of my mind, words, and actions.

I need only take a look at the lifestyle of the proponent of balance.

Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura's Daily Schedule

7:30-8:00 PM - take rest.
10:00 PM - rise, light oil lamp, write.
4:00 AM - take rest.
4:30 - rise, wash hands and face, chant 'Hare Krsna Mahamantra japa'.
7:00 - write letters.
7:30 - read.
8:30 - receive guests, or continue to read.
9:30-9:45 - take rest.
9:45 - morning bath, breakfast of half-quart milk, couple of 'chapatis', some fruits.
9:55 - go to court in carriage.
He would wear coat and pants to court, with double-size Tulasi neckbeads, and Vaishnava Tilaka. He was very strong in his decisions; he would decide immediately. He did not allow any humbug in his court; no upstart could stand before him. He would shave his head monthly. He never allowed harmonium in his 'sankirtan', considering it a distraction from the sound of the 'Nama Prabhu'.
He never had any debts.
10:00 - court began.
1:00 PM - court finished. He'd come home and bathe and refresh.
2:00 PM - return to office.
5:00 PM - translate works from Sanskrit to Bengali.
Then take evening bath and meal of rice, couple of 'chapatis', half-quart (1 pint - 20 onces, or approx half litre) of milk.

He always consulted a pocket watch, and was always accountable keeping time very punctually.

Balance.

To my dear mind, who constantly reminds me that Srila Bhaktivinode Thakura preached that I should lead a balanced life, I nod my head gently in the direction of his daily schedule.

Dedicate at least 50 precent of your life to selfless giving--dear mind--selfless love in Krishna consciousness. Do that – at the very least – do that much to live a balanced life.

Unalloyed, pure, unmotivated devotional service. Hear about Krishna. Read about Krishna. Write about Krishna. Serve Krishna. That is 12 hours of our day – oh capable mind – can we do that?

Take another look at Srila Bhaktivinode Thakura’s schedule. Add up the hours he gave to Krishna every day. How many hours a day?

Real balance.

Giving 12 hours a day, 50% of my life, to Krishna.

Impossible. (I hear you.)

Impossible. Never. I can’t. (I hear you loud and clear.)

So be at least 40% devotee, 60% demon. (Hmmmm… Nope.)

Or 30% of our time for Krishna, 70% time for yourself. (Nope… but I like where this is going...)

Still impossible? Can’t do it? (Sorry.)

10% ? (Nope. But incidentally, the Mormons do this in the way of tithing = 10%)

Can you give 10% of your life to Krishna?

Two and a half hours a day? (Now, now… you know how it goes…artificial renunciation Prabhu. How many of us can keep even that up for more than a week? Pffff. Two and a half hours a day for Krishna. We spend almost that much time on email every day. You’d have to give that up.)

And so I sit here and can simply weep.

I would like to say I’ve made progress in my Krishna consciousness. Progress in balancing my spiritual and material life.

I am all for balance. And I would like it to no longer be the 9 for me and 1 for You kind of balance.

Therefore I beg for the mercy of Your devotees, to please give me the strength to become a devotee someday. Please encourage them to take me under their wing. Guide me in what it is that they do.

That by the end of my life I’ll be at least at the 51% level, giving 1% more to You than I’m keeping for myself.

I am not a devotee.

Far from it.

I am, by all accounts, a Karmi (a worker for my own material sense gratification.)