I am not a devotee.
This is quite possibly the most difficult thing I have ever written. In an effort to become humble, clear my heart of envy, and fall at the feet of every person in this world and beg selflessly for your mercy, I am begging for your mercy. I need your mercy.
There once was a time in Krishna consciousness when we loved selflessly, we gave our time and money freely in His service, we cared not about the past, about the future, but only about the present, making everyone happy, fulfilled, and satiated with the Holy Name, prasadam, festival after festival, gulabjamuns coming out of our ears! J
There was once a time, back in the spiritual world, when we did the same.
Today, I find myself in a world where I say I’m a “devotee” but really I am looking out for my own interest, I don’t trust anyone else, I fight about the past, I worry about the future, and I rarely stop to think about how I spend the present, day after day, moment after moment, struggling against all odds to take care of myself and build that nest egg because “gosh darn it if I don’t nobody else will.”
Stop! (I hear a voice inside me.)
I beg of you stop! (The voice grows louder.)
Turn back the clock. (The voice grows ever louder.)
Wake up! (He’s screaming now.)
It’s 1972 all over again. (The year I was born.) Krishna is my mother, Krishna is my father,
Balance. (Another voice inside of me mumbles.)
What happened to balance, prabhu? (The voice gets louder.)
We need to balance our material and spiritual lives. (The voice intensifies.)
Sense gratification in moderation has never hurt anyone. (It’s getting every louder in my head.)
If we try to renounce artificially, you know, you’ve seen what happens… (You’re screaming at me now, bro!)
Shut up! Oh wretched, foolish mind, shut up! I’m tired of you! Enough!
Balance.
A small word. A big trick of that lady who always wants to test my faith in You.
Balance is Lord Balarama, balancing the cosmos on His Ananta Shesha hoods. Balance is to live in this world but NOT be of this world. The lotus growing from the mud. Not a muddy lotus.
Balance is to live a regulated lifestyle (look at me,
How much wealth do I have today? How much more will I have tomorrow?
Such should not be the trick of the lady who likes to test my faith in You, that I succumb to those thoughts in the name of balance. Balancing my pleasure with Yours,
I need only take a look at the lifestyle of the proponent of balance.
Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura's Daily Schedule
7:30-8:00 PM - take rest.
10:00 PM - rise, light oil lamp, write.
4:00 AM - take rest.
4:30 - rise, wash hands and face, chant 'Hare Krsna Mahamantra japa'.
7:00 - write letters.
7:30 - read.
8:30 - receive guests, or continue to read.
9:30-9:45 - take rest.
9:45 - morning bath, breakfast of half-quart milk, couple of 'chapatis', some fruits.
9:55 - go to court in carriage.
He would wear coat and pants to court, with double-size Tulasi neckbeads, and Vaishnava Tilaka. He was very strong in his decisions; he would decide immediately. He did not allow any humbug in his court; no upstart could stand before him. He would shave his head monthly. He never allowed harmonium in his 'sankirtan', considering it a distraction from the sound of the 'Nama Prabhu'.
He never had any debts.
10:00 - court began.
1:00 PM - court finished. He'd come home and bathe and refresh.
2:00 PM - return to office.
5:00 PM - translate works from Sanskrit to Bengali.
Then take evening bath and meal of rice, couple of 'chapatis', half-quart (1 pint - 20 onces, or approx half litre) of milk.
He always consulted a pocket watch, and was always accountable keeping time very punctually.
Balance.
To my dear mind, who constantly reminds me that Srila Bhaktivinode Thakura preached that I should lead a balanced life, I nod my head gently in the direction of his daily schedule.
Dedicate at least 50 precent of your life to selfless giving--dear mind--selfless love in
Unalloyed, pure, unmotivated devotional service. Hear about
Take another look at Srila Bhaktivinode Thakura’s schedule. Add up the hours he gave to
Real balance.
Giving 12 hours a day, 50% of my life, to
Impossible. (I hear you.)
Impossible. Never. I can’t. (I hear you loud and clear.)
So be at least 40% devotee, 60% demon. (Hmmmm… Nope.)
Or 30% of our time for
Still impossible? Can’t do it? (Sorry.)
10% ? (Nope. But incidentally, the Mormons do this in the way of tithing = 10%)
Can you give 10% of your life to
Two and a half hours a day? (Now, now… you know how it goes…artificial renunciation Prabhu. How many of us can keep even that up for more than a week? Pffff. Two and a half hours a day for
And so I sit here and can simply weep.
I would like to say I’ve made progress in my
I am all for balance. And I would like it to no longer be the 9 for me and 1 for You kind of balance.
Therefore I beg for the mercy of Your devotees, to please give me the strength to become a devotee someday. Please encourage them to take me under their wing. Guide me in what it is that they do.
That by the end of my life I’ll be at least at the 51% level, giving 1% more to You than I’m keeping for myself.
I am not a devotee.
Far from it.
I am, by all accounts, a Karmi (a worker for my own material sense gratification.)